I'm worried about someone who's retired.

The first step towards alleviating anxieties and negative feelings is to talk about them. By raising your concerns with them, you will help to prevent a crisis from turning into a mental illness.

Talking reduces stress and gives us strength

Talking alone won't make anyone's problems go away You shouldn't expect everything to change right after your conversation. However, having someone who listens and is interested and sympathetic brings relief and hope. It does you good.

You don't need to solve the problems

Anxiety about having to solve the problems they bring up puts many people off having a conversation. However, it would never occur to you to remove someone's inflamed appendix – and you're not expected to make anybody's loneliness or chronic pain go away. Your sympathetic ear and your interest give the help that's needed.

Consider your own mood

Don't try to start the conversation unless you're feeling at ease and confident.

Pick a suitable time

An in-depth conversation takes time, so don't start it if either of you has to be somewhere in ten minutes' time. Sometimes it helps to ask when the person has time for a conversation.

Find a suitable place

where you won't be disturbed and you both feel at ease. Many people find it easier to talk about difficult things while walking, A stroll in the woods or as far as the nearest park bench may be a good opportunity.

It's OK if it doesn't work

The other person may well not respond to your invitation to talk. Don't take it personally. They may not be in the mood, or perhaps they need to pluck up courage. Try again later.

You might start like this:

Listening is what matters most

Many people are afraid of not being able to find the right words. But this underestimates the benefits of simply having somebody sympathetic to talk to. Your starting point for the conversation should be that you want to understand what the other person is feeling. Think up good questions rather than looking for answers.

Show sympathy

It feels good to be understood. You might express sympathy by saying:

Silences are not a problem

Everybody sometimes has trouble finding words when talking about difficult situations. Don't be in a hurry to end pauses and silences. To get the conversation going again, it sometimes helps to say:

Know your own limitations

If you form the impression that the other person needs more help, you might say:

Here are a few suitable addresses and services. That isn't always necessary, though.

Don't offer to give more help unless you want to provide it

Your attention and readiness to listen are a great help to the other person. If that's as far as it goes, that's OK too. If you feel like it, you can give practical help – like running an errand, getting them together with other people or accompanying them to an appointment. Or you could just stick to listening:

Don't play the blame game

Remarks like «What a fuss about nothing, haven't you ever been on your own before?» or «You really ought to have made better preparations for retirement» are never helpful. Mental illnesses are never a matter of willpower.

No advice or hints

We have a tendency always to want to offer solutions. Remarks like «You really ought to get out more» make sufferers feel under pressure, or feel that they haven't been listened to properly. Listen carefully. If the other person specifically asks what you would advise, you can refer to the inputs for mental health that you think suitable.

Don't talk about your own problems

Sometimes, with the best of intentions – to show understanding and sympathy – we talk about our own problems. This makes the other person feel you're not taking them seriously. If you are retired yourself, you can share your experiences.

Don't deliver any diagnoses

Even if you suspect the other person is suffering from a specific illness, leave diagnosis to a specialist – otherwise the other person will feel that you've pinned a label on him.

No belittlement

Don't say «Everything will be fine again soon» or «This will pass». Remarks like this make sufferers feel that they're not being taken seriously.

Don't put the other person under pressure.

You should go into the conversation with the attitude that you only want to know what the other person wants to tell you. If the other person breaks off the conversation, don't try to prolong it. You can try again another time.

Sometimes the conversation can just all get too much. These words will help you to find a good way to end it.

Whatever you hear, keep it to yourself

If private matters came up in the conversation, keep them to yourself. If you need to talk to somebody else about them, don't name names. If you feel that outside help is required, though – if somebody is suicidal, for example – then you should call 143 and talk to Die Dargebotene Hand / La Main Tendue, which also advises those who are close to people in crisis.

Make sure you're all right

It will do nobody any good if you fall ill yourself. Take time for your own needs and interests.